Hey guys-

[Ilssm]

I just finished the first draft of my short student screenplay, called 'Flat'. I'd really like some opinions and such on it. My last thread only got one reply and was made several weeks ago

Thanks in advance! ( I hope... )

NOTE: This screenplay contains strong language and serious subject matters that might not be suitable some younger views, PG-13.

Summary: One lazy day the Summer of 2003, two seventeen year old cousins by the names of Patrick and Jason Quinn get a flat tire down a long, empty road while traveling by themselves to their grandparents in rural Gainesville. After calling for a tow and having to wait several hours, the two meet a passing driver by the name of Randy, a middle aged man with wise look about him, who stopped to see if he could help out. The trio quickly become engaged in each others presence and a bond forms, and from within it stories are shared, laughs are had, and secrets are revealed. This coming-of-age story goes into depth about everyday situations, everyday folks, and everyday misfortunes, told through three regular people who happened to be in the right place, at the right time.

 

[ViciousCritic]

You might want to provide a summary of the story. You might also post it on Google Docs and set Sharing to 'Anyone with the link'. That way people can come along and comment on it and make notes in the document itself.

From what I read of the dialogue, there seems to be a lot of conversation designed to inform the audience of what you need them to know. This comes off as contrived because the characters should already know these things about each other. My advice is to trim all of that out and find other ways to tell them. Focus on how the dialogue would take place in real life and then try to fill in the gaps for the audience with visuals, rather than dialogue. Also, remember that audiences don't need every single detail explained to them. Let the viewer's imagination do some of the work.